THIS WEEK IN COMBAT SPORTS: THE I GOT FREE PUBLICITY IN THE RANTS FOLDER ON THE LEVEL OF HERB ABRHAMS/DAVE MELTZER. I'M AWESOME.
Seriously. Go here.
http://boards.adultswim.com/adultswim/board/message?board.id=8&thread.id=1991237&jump=true
It's mostly Dane doing his usual * trolling effort until I come in there.
Some guy might have a problem with the fact that I do this newsletter, and in a odd Herb Abrhams/Dave Meltzer sorta way, decides to express his problems by giving me free publicity. Figure it out yourself.
Summerslam.
No...NO! FUCK IT!
And now, a TWICS special.
The Olympics.
Me and my sister both like the Olympics. It's the chance to get to watch several different sports that you may not even know exist. (See: Table Tennis, FLCLMan) But we had a conversation the other day about what sports should be in the Olympics. So here I present to you, a TWICS special report, "TWICS looks at The Olympics"
J: Okay, so what would you get rid of? And what would you add in?
L: Well, I'd get rid of dumb stuff like some of the Canoe/Kayak events. There are way too many of those. Get rid of the Triathlon. Anything with the word Synchronized in it.
J: But then we wouldn't have Mistico doing analysis on the side of the pool!
L: Well, true, we need to have Yoshino in for Track events for TBS's coverage of Track and Field. Bolt Vs. Yoshino. That would be one million buys. Also Matt Sydal for Trampoline. Or something.
J: You are not the first person that has said that. By the way what are you reviewing this week?
L: Persona 3.
J: Original of FES?
L: Umm...I don't know...umm...FES...wait. You don't actually play this game do you?
J: Umm...yes?
L: I don't even know you anymore.
J: Anyways, continue.
L: Rhythmic Gymnastics. Nonsensical. And I have a gymnast fetish. It's like "That's nice, you have a ball and a hoop. Can you get of my TV screen now?
J: What would you add?
L: I'm not done. Softball has got to go. Dumbest sport in the world. I hate sports that make women look like they aren't good enough to play mens sports. Plus only failures throw underhanded.
J: Wow...that's harsh.
L: Get rid of equestrian. Take out Taekwondo, because it's the stupidest Martial Art ever. Put in BJJ or Sambo or Muay Thai or something.
J: Anything else?
L: Eh, that's it. You?
J: Beach Volleyball.
L: Why?
J: It's stupid.
L: It's ratings. You think anyone watching that gives a god damn about the actual sport? Hell no. It's fucking guys and chicks in skimpy clothing.
J: Put in Golf.
L: Are you serious? You'd put in GOLF BEFORE BEACH VOLLEYBALL?
J: Yes. I would.
L: You are insane. Keep going.
J: I agree with getting rid of anything with the word Syncronized in it. Modern Pentahalon, Equestrian, and some of the Rowing events.Put in, Muay Thai, BJJ maybe Sambo. Hell put in Skateboarding. We have Snowboarding in The Winter Olympics already. That's more impressive that fucking some of the stuff they have in there.
L: Okay. That's an okay list.
J: Also just once, I'd like to see a Women's Decathlon.
L: Alright. So who'd be in the BJJ/Pankration Competition?
J: Oh, god. Too much to think about right there. I'll get back to you. I guess you would need 32 per weight class?
L: 16-32.
J: Give US, BRA, RUS, JPN 3 fighters each, CAN, UK, and most of Europe 2. Any other country gets one and need to quailify through a Qualifying tournament.
so there you go, out opinions. That being said, we understand that there are a lot of sports that dont get thier fair recognition. So that being said, Myself, Lilith, Heinekenrana, Leon & Kali all talked and discussed this. So therefore, THE FOLLOWING SPORTS ALL NEED TO BE OLYMPIC SPORTS.
Roller Derby.
Parcheesi
Pogs.
Water balloon fights,
Drag racing,
Old Maid,
Beer Pong
Quarters,
Rock And Sock Em Robots.
ChessBoxing.
Laser Tag,
Speed Kniting,
Extreme Ironing,
Paintball.
Catch Wrestling/BJJ/Pankration,
Muay Thai/Kickboxing,
Football (American)
Rook.
52 Pickup,
Go Fish,
Speed Operation (Game or Real),
The Joust From American Gladiators,
Drunken Go Kart Racing,
Rickshaw,
Floor Buffer Racing (15 shots of alcohol and then race),
Lawnmower Racing,
Skateboarding,
K-9 Skateboarding,
Out Incoherenting The Iron Shiek,
Dusty Rhodes Twister with Dusty Rhodes as the mat,
Skeeball,
Bowling,
Kendo.
Shin Kicking.
You're fired, and you're fired, and you're fired...
A bunch of people got PWNED this week by managment. Here to talk about it is senior firing specialist Marcus Styles.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY POOL~!"
BREAKING NEWS: LILITH SULLIVAN NAMED GPWA PRESIDENT.
With rumors of Misawa stepping down as GPWA president, Lilith Sullivan won a vote off over Stan Hansen, Three DVDVR posters and a kitchen sink to become the new GPWA President. Here now, is a statement from the new president.
"Dear all. I thank you all for this honor. An honor that I did absolutely nothing to earn and was not even aware of my running until I heard that I won. And for that, I am great.
My first act as president is to actually learn what promotions are in the GPWA. Also to learn when The Global Tag League is. Also I have several new gimmicks planned for all your favorite wrestlers. I already have planned Jun Akiyama to grow cornrows and to unmask Dragon kid revealing him to be in fact, 12 years old. I will then make Stalker Ichikawa Z the GHC Champion because he would be the highest drawing champion ever. I will then return the favor to ROH, by booking all their talent against mine, and squashing them like the bugs that they are, making thier promotion worthless, and adding in CHIKARA so we may see Worker Ant wrestle KENTA. A Hardcore dream match.
Thank you, and may god have mercy on us all."
Dictated not read: The Managment.
News:
WWE:
Jeff Hardy Broke his neck. Or something. Best Buy is not a reliable source of information. It's on par with Cracker Jack boxes, Happy from the F4W boards and The Wrestling Herald.
Umaga tore his PCL and will be out 4-6 weeks.
TNA:
Suicide is Kaz. Okay? Let's just get this out of the way now. This answers the question that no one ever asked. This still does not answer the question of why does Kaz suck.
So get this. Earlier this month Ticketmaster had erased a TNA house show from it's schedule and listed it as canceled. After it was put back on it appears that all the records of all the tickets sold are now erased. So all the tickets sold have no record, won't scan and everybody who bought a ticket has to buy one again. The lesson here kids, DON'T WATCH TNA.
UFC: There was a booking change with a bunch of people named Jason. Go look it up yourself. If I tried to type it my brain might explode.
Other MMA:
EliteXC had a good show that nobody watched, how many times has that been typed?
Kimbo Slice was in a commercial for Madden 09. We were watching it and I was like "Is that Kimbo Slice?" And it was. Which means something, I guess. What I don't know.
Japan:
Does anybody have results from the IGF show this week? Also, how do you not put Tank Abbott and Necro Butcher in a match together? Also, Rob Van Dam wrestled in a three way with Kendo Kashin and his good friend The Necro Butcher. Gee, I wonder how RVD and Necro became friends...
Hirooki Goto beat Togi Makabe in the finals of New Japan's G-1 Climax tournament earlier today at Tokyo Sumo Hall. Yeah. Who? So anyways, he gets killed by Muto on 8/31 at Sumo Hall. If Goto wins we might as well just destroy this promotion right now and save the hassle.
Kyoko Hamaguchi, the daughter of pro wrestler Animal Hamaguchi, won a bronze medal in the Olympics in freestyle wrestling in the 158 pound weight class earlier today.
Mexico:
The Killer Clowns have now been at win 150 for about 4 months now. So where ever they go, they always have their win billed as number 150. Word is Sid Vicious will be coming in soon as the new member.
Lilith Sullivan's RPG Reviews.
Persona 3:FES
Playstation 2 (2006)
Well, at least the teens here aren't as angsty as I'm used to.
JRPG's have this tendency to make me want to punch a wall. Most of them past 03 have been the same garbage with angsty teenagers bonding together to rid the world of an evil or some garbage. Usually the lead character has spiky hair and the wardrobe looks like it was designed by a 4 year old on crack. It's not that I hate JRPG's it's just that after a while I can only stand so much "Go get the key to unlock the door to fight the monster to save the world" gameplay. Which if you follow RPG's since 03 that has basically been every offline RPG released on a console in the last 5 years.
SO ANYWAYS PERSONA 3.
The story of Persona 3 is hard to really describe without making you play the game. So I'll do my best. Every night at Midnight, The Dark Hour takes place. During this time creatures known as "Shadows" come out. Every one else cant see them and is oblivious to the dark hour. A few people can operate during the dark hour. These people have the ability to weird Personas, or Guardians that they can use to destroy the Shadows or just generally do whatever they want to with them. These Personas are based off of the Tarot Card System. About 10 years ago there was a big explosion at a building that research on shadows. This resulted in the creation of The Dark Hour and Tartarus, a gigantic building that appears every night. The lead character is a blue haired Emo kid that you control and name whatever you want to. I guess you're supposed to name it after yourself but there is no way I'm giving my name to of all things 1: a Emo Bluehaired idiot who looks like the +1 member of My Chemical Romance and 2: A guy. That's like giving Chuck Liddell a name you would give your cat.
So anyways, you are an orphan who's parents were killed in said explosion teaming with other kids who's parents were killed in said explosion trying to kill all the shadows that came from said explosion. Nothing better than knowing my only point in playing a game is to clean up someone else's dirty work. Your character transfers to Geiikoundenen High School at the beginning of the game and quickly learn about whats really going on.
So anyways, you're character is able to summon up to a number of persona's that grows as you gain more experience. The point of the game is to climb to the top of the 200-something floor building that is Tartarus and beat all the bosses within 10 months time. Also you have operations that take place every full moon where you have to go out into the real world during Dark Hour and destroy the shadows. And that is really the most inventive thing about this game. You play as a school kid who actually has to go to school in the course of the day and then muster up enough energy to go kill enemies at night. You answer questions and are able to increase several things like Academics, Charm and Courage. Leveling up these things allow you to talk to new people, and the more new people you get more friendlier with (Known as establishing Social Links) The stronger your personas can get. So say if you establish a link with one character you could get a boost with all personas under the Moon Category or what have you. Which is all well and good until you actually have to fight.
This game has by far the most flawed battle system ever. First of all, you only control your character. You can have up to 4 in your party but you can only control YOUR CHARACTER. You can give orders and such but I'd really like to know what's the point of having these characters if YOU CANT CONTROL THEM? Various enemies are weak to certain things. Like Fire, Ice, whatever. However, you are also weak to things based on what your persona is. Whenever somebody is hit with something they are weak with, they get knocked down as well as your character gets another hit. Which is pointless because it 1: Makes battles way too easy and 2: Utterly screws you in several points. Several times I was helpless as the enemies hit me with attacks that I was weak to many of which hit all my characters. So I get knocked down. So I then HAVE TO WAIT TIL MY NEXT TURN TO GET BACK UP. I THEN HAVE TO WAIT TIL MY NEXT TURN AFTER THAT TO BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING. DURING THAT TIME I AM USUALLY HIT WITH ANOTHER ATTACK THAT KNOCKS ME DOWN. SO I CAN'T DO ANYTHING BECAUSE IN THE TIME IT TAKES ME TO GET BACK UP, I GET KNOCKED BACK DOWN. AND THIS ISN'T EVEN THE BOSSES~! THESE ARE THE REGULAR BATTLES~! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DESIGN THE BATTLE SYSTEM IN SUCH AN ASININE, COCKAMAMIE SORTA WAY?!?!
This battle system totally takes all the fun out of this game. And also you need to be like level 70 in order to even think about beating this game. And most of the boss battles take anywhere fro 10-90 minutes? WHO THE HELL HAS TIME TO FIGHT A BOSS FOR 90 MINUTES? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?
Oh yeah, and then theres the way you summon your persona's. All the human characters use an evoker that resembles a gun. Now, to be fair, there are guns in this game, and it never says it is a gun, but this just looks stupid. It's pathetic symbolism.
That being said there are a number of other gripes I have with this game. It OPENLY RIPS OFF OTHER GAMES in it's genre. The Shuffle system was used in Super Mario RPG. Tartarus resembles dungeons from Lufia II.
The music is alright. It ranges from really god to horribly awful. Some of these songs just have like, random sounds in them that don't fit at all. The voice acting is much the same. It ranges from good to horrible.
The character design is actually quite good. And let it be known, Koromaru is hearby THE GREATEST DOG EVER IN VIDEO GAMES. He officially has more charisma then half the characters in this game and half of all the characters in the history of RPG's.
Now, I will give it it's due. despite it's huge flaws, it actually does a lot of things right. The story is awesome. And the flow of the game makes you feel like you are truly playing a part in a anime. And really I did enjoy the game when it wasn't fucking me up the ass. The story was quite good. And this game does something that most RPG's don't do. It doesn't take itself seriously. it has a lighthearted manner to it at time. I laughed out loud quite often. And any game that can do that is okay in my book. There is a number of just wickedly awesome moments. After about 30 hours I wanted to know how this game ended and...
Oh yeah...that's another thing the ending...How can I decribe this ending...IT'S FUCKING TERRIBLE. And that's all I'll go to. There is however in this version of the game a continuation story that starts where the previous story left off. So you get a lot of gameplay for your money. I payed $30 for this and got about 40 hours of game play out of the main quest alone.
So yeah. This game might be more for hardcores. But even through all the ass-raping this game gave me I enjoyed parts of it. Perhaps the best sugeestion is to just by a gameshark and go wild because that's the only way you can get past parts of this game without wanting to punch a hole in the wall.
7 Okay.
Lilith Sullivan
Doesn't even know how many members of My Chemical Romance there are.
Also theres a summon with two personas doing stand up that causes enemies to fall down. It's awesome.
PRIDE-A-Thon thoughts.
For those who don't know, I'm watching all the PRIDE events I have. In order. Just for fun. This should be interesting.
PRIDE 1:
Kazunari Muarakami defeated John Dixon via submission (Armbar) at 1:31 of round 1. So let it be known. The first fight in PRIDE history was won by a Pro Wrestler. A few things of note here. This show was not axtually called PRIDE 1. In fact, it was not even called PRIDE. The name of the promotion was KRS PRIDE. They owned the promotion for the first 4 shows, lost a ton of money and sold it to DSE who owned it til the Zuffa purchase. So the rign is emblazoned with a gigantic KRS logo. And this thing is impossible to not see at all times. Also the gloves all look to be training gloves with DUCK TAPE around the wrists. You've come a long way baby. So yeah, not much to say about this match. Muarakami won with a armbar. I know some of the fights here were Worked. This looked it.
Gary Goodridge defeated Oleg Taktarov via KO at 4:57 of round 1. THE RUSSIAN BEAR. This is Gary's first big MMA fight. and it is a hell of a impressive showing. He nails Oleg and Oleg falls face first motionless. Seriously. He was laying face first on his front part of his body with his head just sorta laying there. Like, it was in the position it would be in if he was standing up. But it was on the ground. Nasty KO.
Renzo Gracie Vs Akira Shoji ended in a 30-minute draw. For all the love I give Renzo, his early matches were horrible. This was 30:00 of nothing. No judges here so it went to a time limit draw.
Koji Kitao defeated Nathan Jones via submission at 2:14 of round 1. Yes...THAT NATHAN JONES. This could have been a work. Kitao is a Sumo Wrestler that got expelled from the Japanese Sumo Organization for...something. He was involved in a famous work turned shoot where he started no selling Earthquake's offense and shot on him while he was working for SWS. Kitao gets him down quickly and gets him in a armlock for the win.
Kickboxing Rules: Branko Cikatic And Ralph White fought to a no Contest. They used these weird gloves. They were like, oversized sparring MMA gloves that sorta resemble a boxing love, but they had separate fingers. These are the stupidest gloves ever. So Cikatic nailed White and then, hit him on the ground with a knee to the head. This is Kickboxing rules again, I assure you. So White ended up getting a gigantic Lump on his head the size of a Baseball. It's something you need to see if you ever get the chance. So it was waived off.
Dan Severn and Kimo fought to a 30-minute draw. This fight...was the equivalent of watching two Larry Zybyzko's fight MMA. Severn walked around for 30 minutes and Kimo did nothing. Even Stephan Quadros and Bas Rutten were all like...OH GOD. THIS SUCKS. WE HAVE TO WATCH THIS FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES. Odd story. Severn was in line to get a UFC heavyweight tiel show against Maurice Smith. This fight was so bad and UFC was so angry that he took this fight without their permission that they gave the shot a month and a half later to one Randy Couture. And we all know what happened from there. Smith and Couture had a epic battle and Couture won the belt. So let me ask you this, WHY THE HELL CAN'T I GET ANY ACTION LIKE THAT ON THIS SHOW! THIS SUCKS. NEXT~!
Rickson x Armbar defeated Nobuhiko Takada by Armbar at 4:47 of Round 1. One of the many destructions of Nobuhiko Takada. Basically you could tell that Takada was outmanned and out classed here from the beginning and Rickson ran right in, got mount and got the armbar for the win. And this is not the first time we would see this finish in PRIDE.
PRIDE 2:
Royler Gracie defeated Yuhi Sano by armbar at 33:14 of round 1. This is about 33:14 of time that I will never get back. But I have to get throught this. For the two people actually reading this. In an interesting note. Yuhi Sano is now TAKUMA SANO FROM NOAH HI WOLF I GOT YOU TO READ THIS? I just watched this match today and I don't remember a damn thing about it. NEXT~!
Akira Shoji defeated Juan Mott by submission (Rear Naked Choke) at 3:47 of round 1. Akira handeled him with ease. This could have been a work but then again Mott had no ground game.
Renzo Gracie defeated Sanae Kikuta by submission (guillotine choke) at :43 round 6. This fight. This was 53:46. And dear god. This was not a technical classic. Most of the fight Kikuta was wither on bottom or on top getting pounded on. This was a terrible fight. Kikitua was gassed at the end of the second round. I don't know why. It's not like he was doing anything. I will say that Stephan Quadros and Bas Rutten were awesome here on commentary.
Kazushi Sakuraba defeated Vernon White by submission (armbar) at 6:53 of round 3. Bas Rutten came in to give each man flowers.
SQ: Who's that guy? OH! That's one Sabastian Rutten!
Rutten then says that he'd like to be back in Japan fighting soon. And that he has a fight later on this year (1998) against Randy Couture for The UFC Heavyweight title. Umm, that is a little odd because by the time this show happened Couture had left the promotion for the first time as champion. However Rutten did win a tournament to win the Heavyweight Title. Then said he wanted to be fighting for PRIDE against one Rickson Gracie. The crowd applauded this. Rutten Vs. Couture would have been interesting.
This was a great fight. Sakuraba went for all the things that became trademarks of his. The standing Kimura. Sweeps. He actually had a great strategy and gave up the back several time to work for counters. This was an awesome grappling display and a star is born moment. Definitely the best fight in PRIDE history up to this point. Sure that's not saying much unless you count Takada getting destroyed which was entertaining in it's own right.
SQ: Is this fight boring?
BR: Yes...now ask me another question.
SQ; I would bet you a million dollars that this will not end in a KO.
BR: Well...let me see, that's tough because I don't have a million dollars.
Also Bas started singing and SQ did anything he could to keep them entertained. This was fun enough to make me want to watch the whole fight.
Marco Ruas defeated Gary Goodridge by submission (Heel Hook) at 9:09 of round 1. I remember nothing about this match. Ruas looked good and that's all I remember.
Mark Kerr defeated Branco Cikatic by DQ at 2:14 of the first round. So Cikatic is the same guy from the first show that went crazy. So Kerr takes him down and Cikatic grabbed the ropes. Then he delivered a bunch of downward elbows. These are illegal by the way. He was told to stop about 7000 times and he was like "FUCK THAT!" So he was DQ'ed. Pretty amazing. Also the fun part was Bas Rutten was on commentary right? And he was also in Kerr's corner. Now the commentary was done like, 3 years after this show. But they are doing commentary. And every time Bas is on screen after the fight. Bas magically goes silent. It's like they never mention him on screen. he's just there.
Anyways, this was an okay show. They really needed judges in the early shows.
Also Takada had a worked shoot match against someone. But yeah. That was not on this DVD.
PRIDE 3:
This one was actually from BUDOKAN HALL.
Akira Shoji and Daijiro Matsui drew after 4 rounds. The other great thing about PRIDE is that all the rules are all over the place. Some are 1 30 minute round. Some are 3 10 minute rounds. Some are unlimited 10 minute rounds. This was 2 10 minute rounds with 2 5 minute rounds. very odd. This was slow at the beginning but it picked up at the end of round 1. Round 2 was great. good action standing and on the ground. Round three was more of the same. Both guys tried to finish a lot. Thumbs up.
Daiju Takase defeated Emmanuel Yarbourough by submission (Strikes) at 3:22 in Round 2. This is a fight that lived on despite it's absurdity in MMA lore. Daiju Takase is 183. Yarbourough is something like 500 pounds. Takase spent most of the fight circling around Yarbourough. Trying to hit him whenever he can. The second round, Takase tries for A TAKEDOWN. So Yarbourough FALLS ON TOP OF HIM The crowd goes crazy for this. Quadros and Rutten are terrified. Quadros is screaming about how this is like a scene from Jaws. Finally Takase gets out and hits him untill he gives up.
Kazushi Sakuraba defeated Carlos Newton by kneebar submission at 5:19 of Round 2. This was another great Sakuraba performance. Lots of submissions. Sakuraba goes for his rolling Kimura a number of times. A ocuple of chokes here and there. Sakuraba got the win with a leglock. Great fight. Probably the most technical ground fight in MMA history at this point.
Gary Goodridge defeated Amir Rahnavardi by knockout at 7:22 of Round 1. I remember goodrige dominating this fight. This is why Goodridge was so scary back in the day. I know he may not be a name now, but wow, he had a great series of preformances here and in the UFC.
Mark Kerr defeated Pedro Otavio by Kimura Submission at 2:13 of Round 1. Kerr took him down quickly and got the Kimura. But is was an odd finish as Otavio never tapped. He screamed but he never tapped. Sounds BS to me.
Nobuhiko Takada defeats Kyle Sturgeon by Heel Hook submission at 2:18 of Round 1. WORK. They sis the right thing though, because they made it quick and long works have a tendency to look suspicious.
All in all an okay show. Entertaining.
All time Top 10 PRIDE Matches
1. Kazushi Sakuraba defeated Carlos Newton PRIDE 3
2. Kazushi Sakuraba Vs. Vernon White PRIDE 2
3. Akira Shoji Vs. Daijiro Matsui PRIDE 3
4. Daiju Takase Vs. Emmanueal Yarbourough PRIDE 3
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
I will update this list as I see fit.
See you next time.
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