Starring Shawn Michaels...
Bret Hart...
Bret Michaels...
And Jamie Sullivan.
Ladies and Gentlemen...Jamie Sullivan.
*Music and fanfare.*
J: I didn't feel the love.
A: Uhh...
J: Wait...wait...no. Not love.
A: Indigestion?
J: Nausea.
A: Heartburn.
J: Indigestion?
A: Upset stomach.
J: Diarrhea.
A: Eww. Just get going.
J: Ladies and gentlemen. It's the Jamie awards. What are these? Simply put. This is my futile attempt to tell you all what I really think of you. Now, granted, it doesn't matter because you won't even read this. So on that note. Let me introduce my co-presenter, Allison Ellenrechi.
*A few people cheer.*
A: I got a response.
J: Right. Because you have breasts. You see, the wrestling fan is a predictable lot. With the prospect of breasts wrestling fans will do anything, and I mean anything, even reading a horrible awards show idea.
A: Right. Well I would like to think my hair is news worthy.
J: It is fantastic hair. Long, curly. Black. You are my dream woman.
A: ...What?
J: Umm...nothing. Anyways. Lets get this garbage over with.
J: The first award is for the best BMW driver. This goes to the person who is generally the biggest gloating cock over dumb shit that no one cares about. The winner get the coveted (because I say so.) Golden Powerpoint Presentation. There are a lot of people because this promotion is largely comprised of cocks. But the winner is of course, Dae Veritas. A woman who has gloated more about absolutely nothing than anyone ever. Proof? Glad you asked for it.
"I can't hear you over how GOD DAMN big this belt is."
"I don't see why I wouldn't. It's not like I'm not good."
"Yeah. Go off to UFC. I'll be right here looking pretty."
"I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE THINKS I GLOAT SO MUCH."
Congratulations. I'd welcome you up on stage. But people might realize how little charisma you actually have and vomit. Moving on. This has actually resulted in something incredible. A brand new term in the lexicon has arisen to describe people who act like jerks or gloat. It is to "Dae". Much like how it is to Err. Lets take a look at the proper uses.
1. "To Dae." Is the act of generally gloating only like Dae Veritas can.
2. "Dae'ing."
3. "Dae-isim." This is a form of gloat in their usage of "Dae'ing."
Our next award is The Big In Japan award. This goes to the person that is so influenced in Japanese culture that would he ever go over there in Promo he would probably make himself out to be more over than Inoki and give himself his very own island. the nominees are plenty. Wolf. For his inherent love of all things Baba. Takeshi for being a MMA mark. But the winner is of course, Leon McNichol. yay. For that you get a very coveted award. This golden samurai sword. Hopefully you use it to kill yourself. Allison, play Big In Japan over the speakers.
A: Okay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXPUkrz7Uow
*Now let that play while you read this. And if you're speed reader you're probably a cock anyways. Stop ruining my jokes.*
J: Our next award.
A: Wait, you just want this to play while you're doing the damned awards show?
J: Yep.
A: Alright...
J: Alright...now. Onto the Phantasy Star award. This goes to the person who makes up the most for his or character because of hating their real surroundings. Now, some of you may not understand what I mean by that. Take for example. Wolf. Wolf in real life has an issue where his legs don't work. So he sorta made two characters. One that I believe that is him were he actually able to be a Pro Wrestler. And then there's Damian which is...wait, what's Damian supposed to be?
A: The snake?
J: No...dammit. Whatever. But there's nothing wrong with this. Hell every one here does it. This award is to celebrate the person that does it the best. Again, everybody's a nominee, except for
Cletus, who I guess secretly hates having two eyes.
A: Well, I think maybe he want's to be more tough? You know? Like don't we all want to be that guy?
J: ...
A: What?
J: Play the song again.
A: Fine.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXPUkrz7Uow
J: The winner is of course. Millenionionionionionion. Because Leon made his character rich because he used to live in a basement and blew all his money on Anime and Hentai and Manga and Video Games. And Dae goes along with it because she lives in Tennessee. But Cheech? What the hell is wrong with you? You're a competent person. You have a possibly insane girlfriend. You are a teacher. You are the male version of Tifa Christensen. You deserve better than this. So therefore, you hereby get or "Deserves much better award." And now here to accept their awards, is Milleinionioneneionenion. With a coathanger in the place of Dae Veritas.
*The curtain rises with the song still playing in the background to reveal two dolls and a coathanger.*
J: In true Sex Pistols 1992 reunion tour style. With A coathanger in the place of Sid Vicious. Which hopefully means that Dae will overdose on something and/or have someone murder her.
A: Jamie, that's not...whatever the name of that group is.
J: Well it's hard for me to explain the allegorical significances of my work of art here while...well sober. But what I've done, is I've injected the touch of the familiar in an otherwise alien scene.
A: What you've done, is you've put a coathanger by a sex doll with a Dante coat on it, and by another Sex Doll with The Dethklok logo on it?
J: ...
A: Ehh...WHAT? I'm playing the damned song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXPUkrz7Uow
J: Now play Sara Bareilles after that?
A: What?
J: Nothing. Anyways, now onto the authority figure with the least charisma ever. This goes to the Authority figure who not only has the least charisma, he would probably book himself right into the main event. The winner is of course. Marcus Albert. And here to accept his award that he deserves, here is Marcus Albert.
*A Coathanger is dropped onto the stage from above, hitting the dolls and the other coathanger rearranging them in some sort of sexual position.*
A: Uhh...I don't see the...what?
J: Look at it this way. It's a another message though my art. Dae has the charisma of a coathanger. And Marcus has the charisma of a coathanger that's sideways. Which makes sense because most of his booking seems to be done whilst drunk. Look, I'm the only person that really should be in a position of power here. Why? Because I'm fucking smarter than you all.
A: Jamie, You just Dae'ed.
J: ...I did?
A: Yes. This is a warning.
J: Next up is the "Just because it's cool to be British doesn't mean you look cool when you try to be British award." The winner, this time, so as it shall be every time, so long as I have a say in anything ever. Is Derek Silver. Whose love for Croquet and Tea and Crumpets has earned him a lifetimes supply of fucking Aston Martins. And even though you left the promotion to go play in another sandbox with half the people in this promotion hearby making this promotion look second rate and trying to apparently keep it a secret every time I asked you and Kali about this and you gave me a response of nothing. Needed a vacation because you were working so hard managing a promotion with the collective I.Q. of Mayonnaise once I left. I'd give you an award, but you aren't going to read it, and probably hold yourself up in some high regard, or pretend to be the better man. Bottom line, you're from fucking Ohio. I'm from Ohio. You have as much of a right to pretend to be British as I do. Here, as a award. Take this Youtube video of the theme song to the greatest show on HBO ever. No not the fucking sopranos.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
v=qtq65wEgzBg&feature=PlayList&p=B99778130E014C8E&index=2&playnext=3&playnext_from=PL
Next up is the Curry Man award. This goes to the person with the most personas that all suck.
The winner. Whoever Marcus Albert is. Either String or Beef or whoever the real guy is. Whatever.
And now. We talk about the smartest man in the promotion. The smartest man in the promotion is of course, Takeshi Tanahashi. Because he left. However this award shall be revoked form you because I'm starting to hear rumors that you want to come back. Let me get this straight. You want to come back to this Dog And Pony show? You have a fucking title shot against BJ Penn coming up. And you want to do this shit again?
That being said, I actually like Takeshi. So I can't talk to badly about him So here is Allison. You see Allison hates Takeshi, because Takeshi "Possibly" got Allison "Pregnant." and this required an "Abortion." In the "Third Trimester." because Takeshi threatened her with a "Shotgun." So ladies and gentlemen, Allison.
A: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Top 10 reasons why Takeshi Tanahashi fucking sucks.
10. He has blond hair but he has dark roots.
9. He's secretly gay and in love with Leon McNichol.
8. Has been banned from Disneyworld after threatening to stick a shotgun up Mickey Mouses
ass and "Go all Bible Black on your ass."
7. Raped Neil Patrick Harris.
6. Is friends with Joe Regan and Eddie Bravo and if the CIA is listening they were all talking
about blowing stuff up. Also they smoke pot if the NSAC is listening.
5. Dropped out of College to become a pro wrestler.
4. Urinated several times on Leon's Dante coat and said it was a Japanese Fragrance.
3. Called Dana White That dumb bald motherfucker."
2. Had Chono kidnap a girl for him to have sex with.
And the Number 1 reason why Takeshi Tanahashi sucks is...
1. He feels like he's being fed all his lines by a funny looking Mexican living in California.
J: And now, a special guest. A friend of ours, and part shareholder in the promotion. Here to talk about some of the people no longer in the promotion, here is Vincent Russow.
V: Thank you. Oh goody. I finally get to talk. You know, when I'm not busy ripping off old Dennis Leary bits on MTV and booking a promotion down in Tennessee into the fucking ground, I like to make fun of people. Because even though I'm religious now, I still don't feel...better enough than everybody else. So I make fun of people. Now, I'm going to make fun of people who aren't in the promotion anymore. Simply because I'm too afraid to actually talk to anybody face to face because they might beat my ass and so the only way I can do this is to make fun of people who aren't reading this.
This is a tribute to all the people who have left. Either because they got kicked out, or left or were just general cocks.
First up is every body's favorite DaBrotherman. Wanna know how hated this guy was? A while ago when he begged for forgiveness, the following E-Mail was sent.
fromJamie Sullivan
Aww what the fuck?
DaBrotherman? Really? Are we really going to have to open ourselves up to this again.
Reply:
We're ignoring him. Until he goes away.
The only good thing that DaBrotherman ever did was leave. I'd say it's impossible for him to make a comeback, but DXK sorta grew up and started not to suck shit. So who knows. However DaBrotherman caused the greatest Promo ever done by anybody ever, that is of course the DaBrotherman Straight Shooting Series Shoot Interview promo. Never read it? Do a search for it. I though I would laugh until I fucking hyperventilated.
This brings us to RapMasterD...whatever his name is. Who quit because everyone else was better than him. And this is true. But he's a fake legend because he was the first guy int he pool. But that's not what's newsworthy. this douchebag actually left to become a real pro wrestler...WHAT THE FUCK? You did things the opposite way~! You're supposed to be a Pro Wrestler and THEN go into another profession. Like Phoenix. She's a fucking doctor now. And no one can deny that move up. Not even Bill fucking gates.
Then we have Darkboy. Who was in the promotion for all of two fucking seconds before he left. But it doesn't matter because he sucked shit. So whatever.
Then we have Beef. Beef didn't leave because he wasn't any good, or because he never promoed. Or because he was String in a Mexican Halloween costume and a fucking Pinata. It's because he was a fucking Mexican. And I don't want to see Mexicans on my fucking TV screen. I see enough of them fixing my front yard. No one wants to see this shit. Fuck Beef and fuck Mexico.
Then there is Kali who left the promotion a while ago. Another one for the other promotion conspiracy. You'd think that a person who was a legit college graduate would be able to act as such, But usually whenever Kali was involved in a promo or a feud she no sold all the stuff that happened to her unless you were friends with her and also her knees are made of fucking chalk. So if you ever see her, and she starts bitching like only Kali does, just hit her with a plastic fork or something. She'll fall down. If she starts screaming like Nancy Kerrigan you've done you're job, and you're girlfriend will soon figure skate topless.
Then there's Takeshi Tanahashi. You know what I said about Beef? Well it's the same for Takeshi, only no one wants to see Japanese people on TV. Who watched this shit? Jackass. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
C-Rod decided to show up for about 5 minutes earlier. Saying he wanted to have a tournament to have his shitty managerial skills before disappearing back into a black hole where everybody who leaves this promotion goes to. Kali and Derek own the blackhole now. Actually they don't they just like to pretend they have as much power as possible. They also have 22 acres of land in fucking Croatia or whereever the fuck Kali's from and shoot the poor for fun. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.
There's about fifteen more cocksuckers that I could talk about, but it'd just be the same shit. You'd think with the new people coming in that really are the same people with different names you'd think that you people would grow up. Or at least you think that would happen.
I'm going home. Possibly to kill my wife.
J: Thank you Vincent. We'll be seeing you on Monday Night Raw soon. Now ladies and gentlemen, a special segment. It's the first ever ASWF Spelling Bee. Why? Because it's my show fuckers.
A: Jamie. that was a Dae-isim...again.
J: Dammit. Okay. sorry.
A: That was you're final warning.
J: Right. Sorry. Anyway. Lets meet our contestants.
A: She's a member of Millenionionionionenieiotngiehrnrion. She's Dae Veritas.
*A mentally handicapped woman walks on stage.*
A: Oh god no.
J: Oh god yes. Keep going.
A: He's from Texas, which automatically makes him legally retarded, please welcome Cletus.
*A similar looking mentally handicapped man walks on stage with a cowboy hat on.*
A: And finally, Takeshi Tanahashi.
*Suddenly. Takeshi Tanahashi himself actually walks out.*
A: ...Alright. That's it. I'm outta here.
J: no you aren't. You have to give the words?
A: ...Look, you give the words and I'll just...stay here out of the way. Deal?
J: Deal. Now. To start us off. Dae. Dae, you're first word is..."Speculate."
D: *Gyrates in an odd manner.* GNUHAHHHHH. GNUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
J: I'm sorry that's incorrect. Moving on to Cletus.
D: I LKE YR HAT CLTUS...GNUAHHH.
J: ...You're creepy. Cletus you're word is "Star."
C: F...
J: Jesus, Cletus you're fucking stupid.Next up is Takeshi. Takeshi you're word is "Gellato." And if you get this right, you get to have sex with Allison.
T: Hmm...this is important, I would really like to have sex with Allison again...G...e...n?
J: ...N isn't even in the. Fuck it. Let's speed this shit up since nobody won yet. Dae you're next word is "Next."
D: Nhhhhh....NUAHHHHHH.Guhhh.NYUAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
*BOOM*
*Jamie is holding a gun."
J: I got just about tired of that shit.
A: Oh my god. You've shot Dae Veritas.
J: No I didn't. It was a duel.
*Jamie puts the gun in Allison's hand and pulls the trigger.*
*BOOM*
J: Oh and now look. Now Allison shot Cletus in the Duel.
A: This is insanity.
J: Well Takeshi wins. Takeshi. Conradulations. You get to rant about stuff. Whatever. I'll be over
here.
T: Thank you. I was going to make fun of you all, but you can't seem to do anything BUT look stupid on a regular basis.
*Dae Veritas, the real one, walks on stage.*
D: Right, because you look any better punching men in the face for a living.
T: Oh hey look everybody, it's...what's you're name again?
D: Dae?
T: ...
D: Veritas?
T: ... Are you my sister?
D: You know, I know you're going to come up here and make fun of us all, but I am actually going to be the better man. Takeshi, you are an awesome person, and we want you back.
T: Do you actually mean this? Or are you just making stuff up?
D: Actually I'm just saying the opposite of reality. Oh by the way, good luck with your upcoming fight with BJ Penn, I hear all the betting is going your way.
*Dae leaves leaving Takeshi on stage with a concerned look on his face.*
T: Alright...I'm outta here.
*Takeshi goes and gets in his Mitsubishi Evo X that for some reason is on stage and drives in directly off the stage out of the auditorium in a firey blaze, Hurting many. Takeshi gets out.*
T: Oh god, it's happening again.
J: *Confused.* Alright. Lets finish this bullshit off so I can get back to being better than you all.
A: James. You've Dae'ed to the third degree. It's time to go.
J: Really?
A: Yes. It's time to go.
J: But I'm not done with my awards show yet.
A: It's time to go.
*Both of them begin to walk off the stage.*
J: Why do you have a shotgun?
*Both of them disappear off stage.*
*BOOM*
A: *Runs on stage.* HE GOT THE SHOTGUN. DON'T ASK HOW JUST RUN. RUN~!
End.
No comments:
Post a Comment